Game on?

Alison Woolf

‘So, working on a new computer game then, Dick?’
‘Yes, Tom, it's the latest in the Health Play range, The Appointments Trilogy: Advanced Access 2.’
‘But I thought Advanced Access was the third and last one in the series?’
‘Well, having the fourth in a Trilogy is a pretty cool gimmick, donchathink? Anyway, Tony Blah, the MD, says Advanced Access 1 was too hard.’
‘Thought that's what the punters like, Dick.’
‘Not this lot, they want to get through all the levels without any hassle. Mainly an adult market, you see; they just don't have the patience or sense of adventure that kids do.’
‘Mind you, the first one, Open Access Wars, was a bit of a so-and-so, wasn't it?’
‘Yes, Tom, but now it's flogged off cheap to the poorer market so it's still popular. It had some great ideas though. First the player has to get through the Queue Outside The Door — scary or what? You could end up with pulverised toes, a broken nose, or if you're really unlucky, get stabbed by Psychotic IKEA Man who thinks he's queuing for the opening of a large Swedish furniture store.’
‘That happened to me — spent 2 months in ITU, in the game that is.’ ‘Nasty, Tom. Then, if you make it to reception, you have to get past The Dragon Pit and those dragons are vicious, won't let you off the hook. “Are you sure you need to see the doctor today?” “You look well enough to me.” “We're awfully busy you know, dealing with sick people.” Not easy to get around them and through to the Waiting Room.’
‘Hmm, the Waiting Room. Six hours I got stuck on that level because the Kid With Temperature kept vomiting on my trousers and every time I went to the loo to get cleaned up, I'd miss my turn and go back to the beginning of the queue.’
‘Exactly, Tom, and when you did get to see the doctor …’
‘… he'd be called out, or just tell me it was a virus and to bog off. I'd hardly be in there 2 minutes.’
‘We got loads of complaints about Open Access Wars, so then we tried Pre Booking Fantasy Matrix, introducing the Big Cyber Phone In. The Dragons changed tactics: “The next appointment is 3 weeks on Friday unless you're an emergency,” so you'd always have to try and convince them you were “urgent” without actually lying, or you'd be put back at the beginning of the phone queue.’
‘Once, I'd been allocated ‘verruca’ as my PC …’
‘Presenting Complaint?’
‘That's right. Wasn't convincing at all and ended up waiting 6 weeks for the wart clinic.’
‘Tricky one, Tom. But if you'd reached The Waiting Room level again — vomiting kids and all — the GP would roast you if it wasn't really urgent and give you a Red Card.’
‘Three of those and you'd be off listed, right?’
‘Right, Tom, end of game, “nil points”, as they say in Eurovision.’
‘So then you came up with Advanced Access.’
‘Cor-rect. It was brilliant. Same day appointments, the Dragons had turned into Pussy Cats, there was more choice of who to see, and the nurses were really cool, like Lara Croft in uniform. Even the doctors were happy because they'd chilled out, Doing Today's Work Today.’
‘So where did it all go wrong, Dick?’
‘It was those viruses. First they overloaded the demand circuits and deleted a few of the staff files. That had a knock on effect to availability files, changed the Pussy Cats into Tigers, gave Lara permanent PMS and the GPs all-day hangovers. Today's Work got shifted to the end of the week, the cyber phone lines were overloaded and the Queue Outside The Door file got mysteriously spliced back in again.’ ‘Didn't your virus protection help?’
‘No, Tom, updated supplies of antiviral software were in short supply last year. We've never really recovered and the customers have gone ape — they don't want to play anymore and have gone whinging to Tony.’
‘So what now?’
‘Not sure, really. Tony's gone back to his marketing advisors. It's likely to include QOF Station 2 so that the players win points lost by the practice not only for failing to record lifestyle data, but also for not providing an appointment at exactly the desired moment within a 10 minute to 1-year time frame.’
‘Hey, good job this isn't real life, Dick.’
‘Why's that?’
‘Well, no GPs would stick around for when we need them.’
‘Oh, Tom, don't take it so seriously. It's only a game.’